


Harry Potter and the Extremely Subtle Parody

by silencewillfall0091



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cliche, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25448545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silencewillfall0091/pseuds/silencewillfall0091
Summary: Harry Potter was a fairly normal child. That was, until some spell damage to the head turned his behavior slightly... cliche.A slight knock on the ultra-super-badass-abused-harem-independent potter fics.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Harry Potter and the Extremely Subtle Parody

A battered Ford came screaming across the sky at high speed, before crashing with a dull thunk into a tree. 2 young boys pulled themselves from the flaming wreck, running for the safety of the castle in the distance. As they were escaping, the car violently exploded, with a jet of magic hitting one of the boys in the back of the head. The boy stumbled for a moment, before suddenly straightening, and starting to sprint towards the castle, muttering under his breath. The other boy, confused and concerned, followed closely behind.

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Albus Dumbledore was sitting on his (rather magnificent) chair at the head of the staff table, looking forward to a quiet opening feast when the doors to the Great Hall exploded. Lockhart promptly fainted, Trelawney squeaked something about a grim, and Filch started muttering curses under his breath, while Harry Potter strode majestically through the ruins of the main doors.

That likely would have been the impression, at least, if Harry Potter hadn't been 12 years old, and staggering like an injured lemur with a crippling methamphetamine addiction, with Ron nipping at his heels desperately trying to slow him down.

"What is the meaning of this, Potter?" Snape spat, rising from his seat with a venomous look in his eyes.

"Hush Snapey-Snape… My mother never loved you anyways…" Harry slurred in response, continuing to amble forwards, as Snape blinked in confusion. He continued to drag himself down the center of the hall, under the gaze of the entirety of the student body, before bumbling to a stop at the foot of the staff table, and dramatically pointing his finger at Dumbledore.

"DUMBLEDORE… Dumbles… More like Dumb-bells amirite?" Harry mumbled to himself as he continued to dramatically point his finger at the confused headmaster, and Ron seemed to melt into a puddle.

"Harry, is there something-"

"SILENCE OLD MAN," Harry interrupted, "DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME 'MY BOY' EVER AGAIN"

There was another confused silence as the entirety of the Great Hall stared in shock at the Boy who Lived. Most confused of all was Dumbledore, who was fairly certain that he had only used the phrase twice in his entire tenure at Hogwarts.

Harry paused unevenly, before continuing, "I have dISCOVERED that you have been STEALING from every single one of my 3 DOZEN VAULTS," Harry swayed on his feet for a moment, "AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT"

Another shocked silence permeated the hall, before Dumbledore responded.

"Harry, I assure you, I have most certainly not been stealing from you. Especially considering it is entirely illegal for a wizard to own more than three vaults at one time."

Harry took a full 10 seconds to digest this response, continuing to sway unsteadily on his feet, while Dumbledore silently motioned Flitwick to get Madame Pomphrey. It was likely best to keep him distracted for as long as possible until the healer could sedate him. The poor doors of the great hall hadn't done anything to deserve their fate, after all.

Harry seemed to manage to gather his response, before launching into his next series of arguments,

"I AM A VERY SPECIAL EXCEPTION. I AM OF THE BLOODLINE OF GODRIC GRYFFINDOR HIMSELF, AS WELL AS SALAZAR SLYTHERIN AND ALSO HUFFLEPUFF AND RAVENCLAW AND THE PEVERELLS AND HOGWARTS HERSELF, AND AM THUS ENTITLED TO ALL ASSOCIATED VAULTS AND PROPERTIES"

Dumbledore prepared himself for another exchange, before a voice floated out from the student section. "But most everybody here is related to them. Except maybe Hogwarts, because it's a building, but the wizarding population is so small that most bloodlines got twisted in somehow."

The voice, somewhat surprisingly, came from one Cho Chang, who, after her outburst, seemed to shrink back down from the attention. Dumbledore gave her a kindly smile, before announcing, "10 points to Ravenclaw for an excellent knowledge of Wizarding Genealogy"

Harry, in his altered mental state, had a different response.

"hEy pretty asian girl… You're so exotic… Want to join my harem?"

The third shocked silence was only broken by the Weasley Twins' choked guffaws. Cho, for her part, turned even redder, and seemed to attempt to hide under the table. Dumbledore noticed as Madame Pomphrey slipped in through a side door, pointed her wand at Harry, and began muttering sleeping spells. Undaunted by this, Harry turned his attention back to the headmaster, delivering his next bewildering barrage.

"Anyways, thanks to my bloodline, I believe I am entitled to special privileges at this school." Harry took a deep breath, and began dramatically waving his arms about, "I CALL UPON THE MAGIC OF HOGWARTS TO GIVE ME A PRIVATE ROOM AND ALSO MAKE ME HEADMASTER, AND TO-" with a quiet thud, Harry slid to the floor, as Madame Pomphrey gave a nod of satisfaction, and turned to Dumbledore.

"My apologies it took so long, it's more difficult to put patients to sleep while they're agitated. Looks like he took some nasty spell damage to the head."

"Of course Madame, you have my thanks"

As the witch whisked Harry off to her ward, Dumblefore returned his gaze to the assembled student body.

"Well that has been quite an exciting scene. Now, if you will return your attention to the delicious feast in front of you, we will hopefully enjoy a quiet rest of the night" He turned to Ron, still quaking slightly from the embarrassment. "Now, Mr. Weasley, if we may come to my office to discuss what exactly happened."

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Author's Note:

Hey there folks, first fanfic in a while, since my old account got deleted.

Not the most subtle of beginning stories but hey.


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